Thursday, February 4, 2010

LANCE: Hate the lovers, not the player.

Lance Armstrong is sort of a big deal.  Discussing him is a task better left to his own twitter.  I'm here to talk about how he pertains to amateur competitive cyclists.

Sure he won le Tour 7 times, he may or may not have been on drugs (like EVERYONE else), and he had cancer.  He's also sort of a douche.  He has that "win at all costs screw you" thing going on, and he only trained for 1 race a year, while other greats (Mercx, Hinault, Lemond...) won everything in sight.  But that's fine.  Win the hardest race in the world 7 times in a row and you can be a douche and not race other races.  What pisses me off about lance are his fans.

I was lucky enough to compete in a non-professional category at the SRAM Tour of the Gila in 2009.  Worth mentioning is that Lance has a lot of money in SRAM, and he's essentially responsible for the race not getting cancelled ITTET.  Because of an interesting set of circumstances (broken collarbone, in the country before the Giro), both Lance and Levi showed up to this race to participate.  As a result, MILLIONS of Lance fans (Here after referred to as Lanceholes) migrated to Silver City, New Mexico, in order to catch a glimpse of the god among mortals.

Lance in the Pance

I think Lance is just a symbol of everything American.  He's rude, he gets to bonk celebrities, and he beat the french at something nobody cared about until he did it. His not for profit foundation raises lots of money for cancer awareness (I think we're all pretty aware by now??) so he's managed to get one of those yellow bracelets on the arm of every douchebag and pornstar in the country.   As a result, we, as cyclists, don't have a problem with lance per se, our problem is with his Lanceholes.

Rules Regarding Lance:
DO NOT display anything having to do with Trek, USPS, Discovery Channel, or anything Astana related unless you're Vino.  In addition, although yellow is the color of the jersey given to the leader of the Tour de France, it has since been assimilated by Lance, and will be forever known as "Lance Yellow".  Don't get Lance yellow shoes, sunglasses, or bracelets.  I respect the Schlecks as bike racers, but I'm not going to go out and buy all the shit they happen to be getting paid to ride.  Doing the same for Lance makes you an idiot.

We don't hate Lance, but we hate you for being so in love with him.

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