Earphones: Do I REALLY have to say this?

Ok, so I get that Triathlons are boring, and I get that training for tri's is also boring.  That DOES NOT mean you should shut out the outside world while you do hot laps up and down the bike path.  Commuters: same shit.  I know that you don't know how to ride a bike anyway, and that's okay, I'm happy that you're swerving down the bike path instead of swerving into me in your SUV, but do you really need to complicate something you apparently struggle with already by removing one of your senses?

Road cyclists, you have no excuse.  One of the purposes of getting on the bike is to escape from the constant drone of technology.  The other is to suffer.  Of course there is also an implied goal in there to make it home without getting run over.  Listening to music inhibits all of these.  You might as well be driving your car or sitting in front of your computer at work.  And the suffering:  music distracts from it.  You really shouldn't short change the suffering.

I'm not buying your "it's not very loud" or "it's only one ear" bullshit.  Even turned off completely, earphones block a fair amount of outside noise, and I have no desire to make myself blind in only one eye.  When you are cycling, it's best to assume that every single other person is both completely unaware of your presence, meanwhile they are trying to kill you.  If you were being hunted by ninjas in big lumbering SUV's, would you not want to hear them coming, and at least brace for impact?

And then of course there's me.  I have to somehow get around your path swerving bumbling beach cruiser, road bike with clip ons, or whatever.  Trying to predict when to pass is a lot like watching plinko, and it's not made any easier when my "on your left" falls on deaf ears.

To sum up, just don't do it.  Of course if a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to run you over, go for it, but if it's in a place where me, or anybody else can tell that you're trying to block us out, we're all going to think you're a douchebag.

VIOLATOR!

I see people breaking rules all the time.  For this particular offender on my way home yesterday, his "ride super fast and try to drop the guy in matching kit whilst looking backward erratically" speed was strikingly similar to my "riding with no hands while trying to fish a camera/phone out of my backpack" speed, so he got documented.

Don't do this:

 

Of course this guy is breaking all sorts of rules (backpack, non-functioning blinky light, dork disk (not pictured), hairy legs, MTB jersey,  1980's bike shorts with neon yellow and purple stripes.  All of those would be forgivable since he obviously isn't a roadie, he's a commuter, albeit a commuter desperately trying to drop a roadie. . .

But under NO circumstances should ANYBODY be allowed to rock the back gap.  Just don't people.  The LAST thing I want to see on my leisurely ride home is your hairy, sweaty assback.  It's only made worse by the part where you're desperately trying to stay in front of me, and my mandated recovery wattage isn't enough to drop you.

Related note:  Don't try to drop people on the bike path or on city streets.  It's stupid, unsafe, and worst of all, it makes you look desperate.  If you want to race, you know where to sign up.  If you want to be competitive with other cyclists on the road, even that has a place, but that place is on the training hill, not on your commute home.  Definitely not on mine.

Cycling Caps part Deux:

Ok, so upon reader comments, and careful consideration, I rescind my previous judgment on cycling caps.

The goal of this blog is to explain the rules as they are, not to make them up based on my own judgment or opinions.

I stand by my previous statements though.  Cycling caps are mostly useless.  What about a flippy bill keeps your head warm?  I have plenty of cycling specific beanies for their sweat-wicking and head-warming properties.  And I've never once thought to myself "wow, I really wish I had a diminutive bill on here to keep me warmer."  When it's raining, I'm less worried about water from the sky, and more worried about the crap coming from the wheel of the guy in front of me.... but I digress.

The new verdict: Cycling Caps = Ok, but proceed with caution, and be prepared to defend your decision.

Make sure you look more like this guy:

And less like this guy:

And whether you decide to rub a cap or not... riding without a helmet is still retarded.  Period.



Boonen pic stolen from http://joshcunninghamcycling.com

Cycling Caps: Nope.

On friday morning, I received my first comment from someone I don't actually know.  That's rad, thanks!  To end my brief hiatus from complaining blogging about cycling, I will answer your question:  No, cycling caps are, sadly, not allowed.

My problem with these things is twofold:
1.  I don't think they actually serve any useful purpose. 
You should already be wearing a helmet and sunglasses, so why do you need a tight fitting cap with a short/flippable bill?  Their wicking properties are practically nonexistant, as are their sunblocking properties.  The bill is big enough to get in the way, but not big enough to actually do anything useful.  The one possible exception is that I've heard that these things can keep water out of your face if it's raining.  I don't believe this, but haven't disproven it either.

2.  Douchebags wear cycling caps.
Hipsters. Euro wannabe riders.  That bike shop mechanic with hairy legs that swears he rides 500 miles a week on his fixed gear but is at least 20 pounds overweight and obviously painfully slow.  People with way too much facial hair.  All of these people think it's okay to wear cycling caps, so why would you want to be associated with them?  You don't.


I've tried to like them.  I've perused the entire catalog over at walzcaps.com, but I really think that they are better left to people you don't want to associate with.  And Ivan Basso, who can really do whatever the fuck he wants.

Required Reading

I think a lot of our problems would be solved if everybody who thinks they know how to ride a bike was forced to read The Rider, by Tim Krabbe.

Cycling is about Suffering.  Suffering, and some strategy, but mostly suffering.  The strongest riders are the ones who suffer the most, everyday.  The riders who win the race are the strongest riders who are willing to suffer, and if they don't it's because someone else suffered almost as much, but had better strategy. 

 I think that if everyone were required to read this book, we wouldn't have to have discussions about why street sprints are stupid, and why crits are to bike racing what pizza hut is to Italian food.

Riding Fast: Know when to hold em, know when to chill the fuck out.

If you want to ride socially, you're going to have to go on a few group rides.  Here is how most of them work:  A bunch of guys all ride somewhere and then all hell breaks loose and somebody wins.  Today's rule involves the "all ride somewhere" part.  If you show up to a group ride for the first time and a bunch of guys are talking to each other about their favorite brand of taint cream, or how many calories they're allowed to eat on this ride, that isn't your cue to go to the front and hammer your fat argyle clad ass off.  We are NOT impressed with how strong you are.  We ARE all pissed that you've strung us out single file on a busy city street where we can no longer talk about our favorite flavor of nair and instead have to ruin our fun conversational warmup ride to chase you around.  This is only made awesomer when we get to the real part of the ride and you get dropped like a plinko chip with a helmet mirror.  Then we spend the rest of the ride complaining about the fatty that had to show off on the ride to the ride.

Moral of the story:  If you're new to a group ride, don't show off.  Especially don't show off if you don't know when you should be going fast.  ESPECIALLY don't show off if in the first 10 miles of an 80 mile ride.

That's all.  Thanks.

Helmet Visors: We aren't savages

I really need to get quicker with the camera.  I spotted a guy on Lookout this thursday riding a Ridley (newer, don't know which model) with Reynolds deep carbon wheels and a helmet with a VISOR, yes a visor.

I know you're fat and slow, but if you were fast, you'd know that you can't wear a helmet visor while riding in the drops because you need to look up through the space that the visor is taking up.   Since you are trying to give the appearance that you are fast, you need to remove the visor.

Helmet visors are for mountain bikers.  We are NOT mountain bikers.

Carbon Wheels: I don't want to see them.

I think the most common faux pax to happen on the bike path is when some guy with more money than skill decides to buy fancy wheels, that he then decides to train on.

Here's the deal:  Carbon wheels are light, fragile, and awesome.  The purpose of them is to make you a very small percent more aerodynamic, and thus faster at speed.  The only time you need to be 1% faster is in a race, so you DO NOT NEED THEM while riding on the path, or going up lookout about as fast as one of those paragliders comes down.  Riding ridiculously expensive wheels when you aren't racing is really just a big red flag that tells us all that you aren't fast, and like to waste your money trying to impress us.

Don't tell me about how "it's your money" or you'll "ride what you like."  A better use of your money would have been a powertap and decent training wheels, or better yet, a cycling vacation so you'd actually BE fast, and not just be a tool who thinks they look fast.  The ONLY reason to ride deep carbon wheels on the bike path is so that others will see you on them.  You want to impress us, not give us fodder for ridicule, so leave the zipps and reynolds at home, until you're actually ready to race.

Quick frustrated note

I don't care how "sexy" your bike is.  If it has a squeaky, grinding drivetrain, that trumps it all and makes your bike worthless to me.  The same thing goes double for fixed gears.  Just because you only have one cog doesn't mean you don't have to keep your chain clean.  The intermittent squeak of a poorly kept fixed drivetrain is very distinctive, and just thinking about it creeps me out. 

Silence in a drivetrain is nirvana. 

Just trust me and clean your bike every now and then.  If you have a rediculously expensive or "customized" whip, then pay someone else to do it.  I don't care, I just don't want to hear you from 3 blocks away.

On Modesty, Part 2: Equipment

Anybody who has taken music lessons at some point should be familiar with the phrase: "Those who can, do, and those who can't, teach."  In cycling, those who can't, buy.  And buy we do.    If you can't impress your friends by destroying them up hills at races, you can always impress them with cool shit, and here's how you do it:

It's important to have a complete package.  I'm talking about that guy in boulder with the Trek Madone whatever.0 with Di-2, full assos kit, and no helmet.  I see that and I think anybody who can buy a $900 rear derailluer really should invest in a decent helmet.  Similarly, an awesome bike can be ruined aesthetically by having one yellow tire or dirty bar tape.  Just be mindful.

There's sort of a tipping point with bikes after which they become "dentist" bikes.  Serottas and newer orbeas are like this.  I don't care if it cost $7000.  If the head tube is 2 feet long and nobody in the pro peleton rides one, it's going to be hard to impress the group.  Cervelo is quickly going this way too, especially since they are so loved by triathletes, and the rich fat guy spillover has been forthcoming.

Newest and greatest is always good, but mix it up.   Campy can come off as pretentious, especially if it's written on clothing, and not on shifters.

The goal is go get stuff that people will recognize as awesome, but not as overdone.  This can be a moving target, so be careful.   Look, BMC and Time are pretty cool, but Pinarello and especially Colnago are too dentisty.  It's hard to get away with anything american, so avoid Trek, bontrager etc.  Specialized has managed to lose some of the american stigma by sponsoring every team under the sun, but Cannondale still reeks of NFL and NASCAR.  Somehow, high end carbon wheels are okay, Zipp, Hed, and Edge are all cool.  I don't quite get why, but that's how it is.  Somehow Giant bikes are allowed too, especially the newer ones with the gigantic downtubes.

There are a few bikes out there made by companies that specialize in Tri bikes that are NOT allowed.  Guru, Quintana Roo, and Argon 18 just aren't going to fly with road cyclists.  They may make a decent frame but we just don't care.

On modesty, Part 1: Fitness

Ok, cycling is a group sport and we all want to be accepted, if not admired by our peers.  We look up to professional cyclists because they are ridiculously strong, and we recognize that their ability to suffer and their physical fitness are way above ours.  We also would like some of that admiration to be given to us, because we suffer too.  Like the Lemond quote about it never hurting less...  although I feel like Jens has felt more pain than any of us ever have or ever will, and he just keeps on destroying.

But I digress; nobody is going to admire your efforts unless they know about them, so it becomes necessary to inform your peers of your achievements so that they can tell you how cool you are.  Nobody appreciates boasting however, so it becomes tricky business getting your awesomeness across without being a dick.  Above all, don't be a dick.

Really, you should let your riding speak for itself.  If you do well in a race, news will get around.  If you do well in a race that nobody knew about, then bragging about it is just going to get you ridiculed.  We admire strength and suffering, not the will to show up and fork over $25 when nobody else did.

If you can't do well in races, then your next best chance for ego stroking is group rides.  The key to these is to do the best you can but only expect people to care on the day of the ride.  This week, nobody cares if you won the group ride sprint last week.  So if you win it this week, soak it up.

Don't tell us all how you dropped a known stronger rider.  There is a reason they are stronger than you.   Bragging about it makes you look desperate.  Nobody cares if you put in "big miles" on the trainer this week or did intervals so hard that you puked.  First off, we don't believe you, and secondly, plenty of people faster than you found some way to get fast without puking, so you should too.

If you can't shine in group rides or races, you really should just not be a dick.  Not being a dick can go a long way, and most of us would rather ride with a nice guy than a slightly faster guy who can't shut up about how fast he is.   This goes for girls too, if not especially.

Really, the keys to the clubhouse just come from being safe on the bike, and being cool.  "Being cool" involves congratulating other riders' achievements.  A lot of these rules can be broken without ill consequences if you're just an otherwise nice person.   Be safe, train hard, ride well, and be cool, and we'll all want to be friends with you.

Next post is about how to get recognition without fitness:  buy cool shit!

What you can and can't carry with you on the bike.

We wish we were all getting paid to do this, and were getting followed by our directors sportif in Audis with spare bikes mounted to the roof.  In reality this isn't the case, so we need to be prepared for the inevitable mishaps that are going to happen when you ride a bike over road debris for 90 miles at a time.

Minimalism is the acme of the competitive cyclist, but worse than being the dork with the seat bag is being the dork who has to borrow (and never return) a tube from the guy who was smart enough to bring one.

A (very small) seat bag is acceptable, indeed recommended, if you are riding without a support car.  This seat bag should have at least:

1 tube. ( a new one please, carrying along patched tubes is embarrassing.  I'm embarrassed to be with you if you're too cheap for a $3 tube.)
1 tire lever (1 more is acceptable)
1 inflation device (CO2 or a micro pump)
1 small multitool is acceptable but not necessary.

That's it.  Your seatbag should look like a small, tight pack under your seat, not a huge swinging testicle.  You don't need another tube in case your first replacement needs replacement.  You don't need a spare tubular (triathletes do this, and they don't know how to change tires in the first place... odd. )  You don't need a new set of spokes, a torque wrench, or a frame pump.  Your goal is to be able to get yourself home with the most likely mishaps taken care of, not to be a rolling bike shop.

You do NOT need a mirror of any kind.  Not on your helmet, not on your sunglasses, not the impaling weapon that mounts on your handlebars.  If you are incapable of turning your head or using your ears to get a sense of your surroundings, stay the fuck away from me and any other bikers you see.

If you are riding with somebody who doesn't know the rules, you should give him(her?) your spare tube, but feel free to be as smug as you can about it.  Don't expect to ever see your tube returned, but you can hold a grudge if you'd like.  As with any of the rules, just make the offender feel as awkward as possible, and you're doing the right thing.  We all thank you, good sir (madam?).

Slow = dangerous.

I wish I were able to make this post witty but I can't.  This is just how it is, so I'll try to keep it short.

Group rides are supposed to be fast.  Especially flat ones.  If the ride gets slow, people bunch up, and weak inexperienced morons start riding too close to each other.  This leads to unnecessary contact, some hairy moments, and possibly crashes.

If the pace stays high, then the weaklings are just hanging on for dear life in a single file line behind you.  It's much harder to lock handlebars with someone if there is nobody riding next to you.

I've crashed on the bike twice, and both times were because some moron though it would be a good idea to move up through the field by sprinting on that crack on the side of the road between the asphalt and the curb.  Granted that the people tho do this are just morons, but if the pace were faster and we were strung out, then they would either be to weak to move up, or atleast they would have some space on the road to try to sprint around us.

In a race, there's a lot of other stuff to worry about, but in a group ride;  Keep it fast.  If others don't want to keep it fast, then attack.  If they catch you, and slow down, attack again.  It's really the safest way to ride a bike in a group.

That is all, maybe I can think of something more entertaining later.

I've been PLAGIARIZED!

and I don't even know how to spell plagiarized...
http://www.rapha.cc/rules-of-the-road
 Check out rule #6 (the rest are stupid anyway.  Rules about the proper way to wear a $70 scarf?  please.  Rule #1, don't spend $70 on a fucking scarf)
Anyway, also note that their rules are posted a mere 15 days AFTER my post about the same thing, and just about a month after I PIONEERED the entirely original idea of blogging about rules on the bike in the first place.

Thanks to the diligence of BSNYC for noting this blatant ripoff and reporting it to me by way of his own blog.  Like I really needed another reason to hate Rapha (which until last week I honestly thought was called Ralpha, like the sound you make after a few 3 minute intervals)

LANCE: Hate the lovers, not the player.

Lance Armstrong is sort of a big deal.  Discussing him is a task better left to his own twitter.  I'm here to talk about how he pertains to amateur competitive cyclists.

Sure he won le Tour 7 times, he may or may not have been on drugs (like EVERYONE else), and he had cancer.  He's also sort of a douche.  He has that "win at all costs screw you" thing going on, and he only trained for 1 race a year, while other greats (Mercx, Hinault, Lemond...) won everything in sight.  But that's fine.  Win the hardest race in the world 7 times in a row and you can be a douche and not race other races.  What pisses me off about lance are his fans.

I was lucky enough to compete in a non-professional category at the SRAM Tour of the Gila in 2009.  Worth mentioning is that Lance has a lot of money in SRAM, and he's essentially responsible for the race not getting cancelled ITTET.  Because of an interesting set of circumstances (broken collarbone, in the country before the Giro), both Lance and Levi showed up to this race to participate.  As a result, MILLIONS of Lance fans (Here after referred to as Lanceholes) migrated to Silver City, New Mexico, in order to catch a glimpse of the god among mortals.

Lance in the Pance

I think Lance is just a symbol of everything American.  He's rude, he gets to bonk celebrities, and he beat the french at something nobody cared about until he did it. His not for profit foundation raises lots of money for cancer awareness (I think we're all pretty aware by now??) so he's managed to get one of those yellow bracelets on the arm of every douchebag and pornstar in the country.   As a result, we, as cyclists, don't have a problem with lance per se, our problem is with his Lanceholes.

Rules Regarding Lance:
DO NOT display anything having to do with Trek, USPS, Discovery Channel, or anything Astana related unless you're Vino.  In addition, although yellow is the color of the jersey given to the leader of the Tour de France, it has since been assimilated by Lance, and will be forever known as "Lance Yellow".  Don't get Lance yellow shoes, sunglasses, or bracelets.  I respect the Schlecks as bike racers, but I'm not going to go out and buy all the shit they happen to be getting paid to ride.  Doing the same for Lance makes you an idiot.

We don't hate Lance, but we hate you for being so in love with him.

What you can and can't wear while riding.

A lot of people seem to be confused about what they can and can't wear while riding outside.  Here's what you need to know:

Really the best option is to get on a decent local team and only wear your team kit while riding in public.  Understandably this can't always work out, because not everyone has the time to join a good team and buy enough jerseys to wear every time you leave the house.  If you can't, you're still okay, just follow these guidelines...

Shorts:
The only acceptable shorts are bibs.  This is because bibs are infinitely more comfortable than shorts, and because bibs eliminate the ubiquitous back gap that must never happen.  The only acceptable color for bibs is black.  I know that plenty of professional teams have non black shorts but you aren't on one of them and we don't want to have to see your junk when you're fumbling with your seat bag at the 7-11 before the ride.  I wish I could forget the image of Boonen's weiner in that green jersey, but he's Tom Boonen and if he wants to show off his weiner, that's his decision to make.  Win a green jersey and I'll stop telling you what to do.    If your amateur team has non black shorts, you need to find a new team.  I'm looking at you Spine&Sport.   Note that's it's ok if your side panels aren't black as long as the front and back panels are.  See CU and DU's team kits:
Acceptable:

Not Acceptable:

Jerseys:
I know this is a hard one because there are so many awesome jerseys out there that you really think need to be seen by the general public, but the ONLY acceptable jerseys are solid colors without writing on them.  This means that you can't wear a jersey with your favorite beer or band from the early 80's on it.  In addition, nobody gives a fuck that you finished the triple bypass in 1997.  Unless you're doing it right now, don't wear the jersey.  Hi-vis yellow is not allowed.  Bright colors in general should be avoided, really you should stick to black, white, and dark blue.

Really the best stuff out there is assos if you can afford it.  It's easily the best designed stuff in terms of fit and materials.  The only reasons I don't wear it everyday are it's lavish cost, and that I'm on a team that I'd like to represent.  I fantasize on a regular basis about my team clothing fitting as well as Assos, so if you own a ridiculously expensive bicycle, and aren't on a team, you owe it to yourself to try it out. 

Worth mentioning is that jerseys must have sleeves.  You aren't a triathlete, you shouldn't have shoulders or biceps, and we shouldn't have to look at them.  Do not show up on a group ride in a sleeveless jersey.  Ever.

Follow these basics and you'll be fine.  Some people out there just don't get it though, so a few more items need to be spelled out:

DON'T BE THE GUY IN FULL KIT OF SOME TEAM YOU AREN'T ON!
Even worse is the guy that gets the bike to match the clothing of the team he isn't on.  Nobody believes that you're friends with Dave Zabriskie so don't try to pretend he just happened to give you all of his shit one day.  This goes doubly for anything involving USPS, Discovery Channel, Astana 2009, or Radio Shack.  See where I'm going with this?  Don't be that guy.
Exceptions include:  Teams you used to be on, and one of the following: Bottles, Socks, or Gloves associated with some professional team other than those mentioned above.

I feel like that's about good.  Stick to basic color coordination, and if all else fails, white is a good choice for your frame,  helmet, and/or clothing.  Cyclists really like white, so you should take advantage of that.

Next up: LANCE!

Regarding Helmets and Sunglasses.

Always wear a helmet.  You aren't climbing some col in France in 1952.  You're in a road with cars that want to kill you.  The guy who thinks he's cool in just a cycling cap is a moron, and everybody except him thinks so.  In this country anyway. I don't quite get the rules as they apply in Europe.  Although being Euro can be cool, going helmetless isn't.  It's partially about safety, and partially about not being the tool in the world stripes cap.

Always wear sunglasses. Always wear the sunglasses over the helmetstraps.  I've heard that this has something to do with safety but I don't buy it.  Just do it.  See Spartacus for inspiration:

Colors of sunglasses should more or less match your kit, helmet and/or bike.  We don't have to be obsessive like the pros because we can't afford a different pair for every kit, but wearing bright pink sunglasses is not a good idea, nor is wearing any bright colors that aren't represented elsewhere.

I'm not quite sure if this is universal or not, but clear yellow lenses = not cool in my book.  Sure they have a purpose (riding at night), but riding at night isn't about looking cool, it's about getting home without getting run over, so ugly sunglasses at night are ok, but they're still ugly.

To those that think Team Performance brand (or other super cheap) sunglasses are "just as good" as the more expensive brands, you're wrong.  They may protect your eyes but they won't protect your soul from me thinking you look like a goober.  There's a reason designer jeans cost more than walmart ones.  You can buy your jeans from anyplace you like, just don't get your sunglasses from Performance.  Don't give me that "they're cheap and I'm broke" excuse either, I know your bike cost 4 grand.  Get a decent pair of Oakley/Rudy/whatever looks decent sunglasses for another $60.

(Fabian pic from Saxo Bank Website)

Don't be that guy 1.0

In a large group ride (20+ riders) it is common for the group to take up an entire lane.  This is outside of your individual control so don't worry about it.  If you are riding on a road that has 2 lanes, however, it is your responsibility to NOT USE THE SECOND LANE!  Motorists hate us enough for taking the first lane, but blocking the second one is just asking to get run over as they speed by.  The cyclists don't like it either, it makes us look bad, but more importantly, it shows your ineptitude at being able to move up through a pack.

The same is true for a yellow line.  Don't cross it to move up in a pack.  In a race it will get you relegated or kicked out, in a group ride it will get you yelled at, or killed.  If you can't move up through the lane that has already been taken up by the group, you need to move slowly through the pack, not into oncoming traffic.  Again, this makes us look bad, and it makes you look bad.

Rotating Weight is a Myth.

People who think rotating weight is more important than standard weight are wrong.  Yes, technically, it requires more energy to accelerate something that is rotating than it does to accelerate it in a straight line, but if you actually do the math instead of just kinda sorta remembering what you did in high school science class, you would see that it's insignificant.
I can spare you the nerdy details, but I have them if you want them.  Losing rotating weight is no more useful (that is to say, not very at all) than losing standard component weight.   So PLEASE stop talking about it like you understand science.  If you did, than you wouldn't be.

Riding With Strangers

If you feel the need to grab onto the wheel of a cyclist or group of cyclists you don't know, you really should announce your presence, and ask if they are willing to tolerate you.  We don't care if you  want to tell your friends that you can "hang" with a bunch of guys in matching lycra.  We just want to get home without someone we don't know crashing us out all over the bike path.

In addition, should you grab the wheel of a person who thinks he is alone, you open yourself up to the possibility of getting snotted on.  The snotter isn't being rude, they just had no idea you were there, and hey, this time of year there's a lot of extra mucus that needs evacuating...

Regarding Group Ride Attendance & Punctuality

Don't show up late to your own ride ( I've done this but it's still stupid)

Don't show up to somebody else's ride, then try to form your own offshoot.  That is stupid and lame.  You shouldn't have shown up in the first place if you weren't going to participate.

If you aren't ready to leave when the ride is supposed to start, you are making everyone wait and that's rude.  Just because you showed up at 8:59 for a 9am ride, we aren't going to wait while you pump up your tires, put your bibs on, and grab a coffee.

What the fuck was I thinking?

I don't have time to write a blog.  I barely have time to ride my bike.  My wife has graciously agreed to stay married to me despite the fact that I'm always training, and if I'm not training, I'm cranky because it's that time of year to start starving myself for the Gila.   Oh and work!? WTF?  Can't buy bike shit if I got fired because I was blogging during the 4 hours I actually spend at work a day because I spend the rest training.

This was a great idea for that magical week between christmas and new year's.  When santa isn't watching, calories don't count, and I have free time for stuff like blogging.  Back in reality it doesn't work, so I bid adieu to my one follower.  Maybe one day the internet will be blessed with my witty cutting humor, and infinite knowledge about what you are and aren't allowed to do on a bicycle.

Until then, thanks.  and I'll try to post twitter-like rules when possible, instead of pagelong rants, which I'd much prefer.

Here's a rule:  Never EVER allow a gap between 2 pieces of clothing.  This includes but is not limited to:  Letting a gap show between your knee warmers and bike shorts,  a gap between your arm warmers and the sleeve of a jersey (this is excusable DURING a race if the armwarmers were removed and replaced while riding), and worst of all:  Letting a strip of back and/or buttcrack show between your bike shorts and your jersey.

Here's another.  Don't wear bike shorts.  Wear bibs.  Unless you're a girl and your boobs get in the way, there is really no excuse.  Bibs are better than shorts in every possible way.

Types of Cyclists

So to the outside world, anybody who rides a bike ever is a cyclist, and we're all just inconveniences they have to deal with while driving.  Within the world of cycling, there are quite a few distinctions and it's worth discussing them and how they pertain to us, the road cyclists.  Here are a few of the broadest categories of cyclist.

Commuters:

Commuters can be identified by their hi-vis yellow everything, multitudes of lighting mechanisms, flat bar hybrid bikes, and their blatant rudeness and sense of entitlement on the road.  They are most often found during the weekday commuting hours, but can be found on bike paths and "taking the lane" at any time of the week.
As roadies, we avoid commuters at all costs.  They are slow until you try to pass one, not particularly good bike handlers, and they think they own the road, bike path, sidewalk, or any other paved or unpaved thoroughfare they happen to be huffing and puffing down the center of.  If you find yourself needing to pass a commuter, know that they will do everything in their capacity to pass you at some point later on.  They won't smile or wave, but just smugly pedal by as if they were planning on riding 6mph, and then ramping it up to 30, and you just happened to be riding by as they did this.  Once you let them pass you, they will inevitably tire and the process continues.  Your only options are to exert some real modicum of effort to keep them from catching up, or turning off.  You cannot ride slow enough to let them get away, because they will always ride slower.

Mountain Bikers:

Real mountain bikers won't ride more than a few hundred feet on a paved road.  As a result we will seldom see them except at trailheads, road crossings and bike shops.
Mountain bikers think they are cooler than we are, and they're right.  They wear baggy clothes, smoke pot, drink beer, and get to ride over rocks and off cliffs.  This requires skill, and courage, but generally not as much fitness as racing a road bike.  This means that we see them as slackers that don't have to suffer in training to be successful (lame), and they see us as nerdy calorie counters who obsess over power numbers and lactate thresholds.  We are both right.  As a result, we should treat mountain bikers with respect, but expect to receive the same respect in return.  We both recognize the other as an acceptable way to spend one's time, but think that our particular version is better.

Hipsters:

Hipsters have been discussed ad nausuem by many other people and are way beyond what I'm capable of understanding.  Most of them view bikes as accessories like the guys in high school with souped cars.  Very few of them know how to actually ride a bike, and actual bike messengers hate them as much as we do.   One notable exception is the hipster who knows that most hipsters are douchebags and goes out of their way to be friendly.  Because of this exception, we should be at least decent to hipsters we pass while riding, but expect nothing from them, except maybe the joy of witnessing a failed trackstand every now and then.
Worth noting is that the guy who shows up on a group ride on a fixed gear.  He isn't a hipster, he's a moron.  While fixed gear bikes have their place (the velodrome), and some people (not me) might attest to their credibility as training tools, they are absolutely not for riding in groups with other people who have made the leap in technology to gears and brakes.

Triathletes:

 Triathletes are NOT road cyclists.  They think that they are, and for this reason, they are potentially the most dangerous sect of cycling from both a stylistic and safety standpoint.  The job of even the very best triathlete is to ride at a moderate pace for 4 hours by themselves.  Most people you will encounter are "finishers" who just bought their first bike and don't find it odd that their brake levers are nowhere near their hands most of the time.   Triathletes are responsible for sleeveless jerseys, those water bottle cages that mount behind your seat, and the idea that riding a bike in a thong is ever a good idea.  None of it is a good idea.  Plus running hurts.  Not like cycling hurts, running hurts in a way that is stupid.  Anyone who thinks running is a good idea is suspect in the first place.
 Triathletes are horrible bike handlers because they don't train or race in groups.  Even professional bike racers have a hard time controlling a bike at speed in those aerobars. (Menchov in the rain, Rasmussen like 4 times at Le Tour.)   For this reason they are to be avoided and treated as dangerous.  Let them pass if you're on a bike path, otherwise you'll be going faster than them.  If they think it's okay to grab your wheel,  slow down so they don't think you're acknowledging them as existing on the same plane that you do.  They don't.

Everyone Else:

These are the people on $100 walmart bikes, beach cruisers, and the like.  They think we're super weird and they're right too.  We should appreciate them for riding bikes instead of driving into us, and leave it at that.

Us.

People on road bikes with skinny tires.  That's us.  This is who we'll be talking about for as long as I can come up with ideas for the blog, so summarizing here won't be useful.  This is going to be fun though.

Mission Statement

So I've decided to start a blog. I only do 2 things adequately, and those are Science and Cycling. Since science is even boring to scientists most of the time, I'm going to blog about cycling. I'm going to start with the unwritten rules of the elite amateur cyclist. That isn't a contradiction. There are plenty of guys that live and breathe cycling and yet aren't paid to do it. Some of them want to be professionals someday, but most of us just want to have fun riding our bikes, beating our friends in races, and keeping a somewhat normal job on the side. Since we do take this so seriously, there are a series of rules to be followed in order to gain acceptance into the larger group. Many of these rules have roots in safety, but those are entirely vestigal by now. The real reason we do what we do is simply "that's the way it is" or "that's what's cool." This seemingly irrational set of guidelines can be confusing, and frustrating to both the cyclists that don't get it, and the cyclists whose acceptance they are trying to gain. I figure that I will be fulfilling my societal duty by stating these rules explicitly so that the newcomer with the $4000 bike can gain the acceptance he is looking for, and I can spend a little less time making fun of the guy the lame $4000 bike who is appearing desperate for entry into the club. Now we can all spend a little more time enjoying ourselves while riding our bikes.

In addition to style tips (of which the ones in Bicycling are occasionally helpful, but mostly useless and Elitist), I'll also throw in any mechanical advice I can. Bike shops are great and all, but I don't trust my bike to any of them, and I wouldn't expect anybody else to either. Unless you have so much money and so little time that paying a good mechanic a lot of money to work on your bike makes sense, you'd be better off doing it yourself. You learn about your machine, you learn what to do if something goes wrong on a ride, and you'll free yourself from having to trust the LBS mechanic who is either an underpaid high school kid doing it for the discount, or an ultra-opinionated old timer, who may know his stuff, but doesn't know (or care) about what is best for you.

I'd like to throw out there that I'm not being snobby or elitist. I'm merely stating the rules as they exist to me. Anybody can choose to follow them or not. If one chooses not to follow them, then they shouldn't expect us to be particularly friendly, or admire their expensive stuff. I can understand the "I do what I like" mentality, but then don't join in my ride, suck my wheel on the path, or make small talk with me at the coffee shop. I don't make small talk with the soccer moms, and I won't enjoy doing it with you, unless you play the game. This is the same as existing rules in any other social group. If someone goes to a party, concert, or similiar social event in an outfit that is inappropriate for the event, they're going to get ostracized. Cycling is our social event, and the collectve "we" hold the keys to the party, I'm just trying to help you get in.